Hey....
long time no write.....
don't want to talk much bout all the shit nor do i want to go in to detail.....
just to tell since i keep forgetting to tell peep.....
I'm officially going to SJSU
I'm pissed off like hell because
i got drama @ home
i got shitty promises
n i got guilted into hating myself
I'm depress because
i miss the only oppuntunity to leave my fuck up family
i'm officially screw here in SJ
i still get DRAMA @ home...by the way it got worst......
i am stuck @ home too much
i am buggin friends with my shitty life problem
i am buggin friends for rides
FUCK! i am buggin friends for MONEY!
i never do tat! n it depresses meeh....
i'm depress cuz the three MAIN reasons if not the only reasons i'm going to SJSU aren't true no more....
1) to end drama......tat did not happen...
still talking bout how dumb i am
still talking bout how fat i am...fuck i don't care bout my weight....they fucken do!!!
talking bout meeh no go evergreen but mission college
talking bout how soooo many peep had went to SJSU n doin so well....
talking to meeh as if my decision to go SJSU is sooo much better than Cal Poly tho they all had agree that cal is so good if not better then SJSU when i had told them i was going to Cal....fucken liar....
2) vanny one ov my best friend was suppose to go to SJSU with meeh....no blame here or nething....blame stupid college.....isn't going tere no more....well so far tat i kno.....*sigh*...depressing cuz tat another no reason to go SJSU....
3) lastly.....the car....yea i'm getting a laptop n camera n new cell...but tat cuz my older sis has it....i am always intitle to get exactly wat she got @ the same/reasonable/or cheaper price......the car is the only difference cuz i need a way to school while my sis live on campus n her dorm is within walking distance to class....neway....car i want is a 2005 Rav 4...type L...i think.....neway....everyone is being a pain in the ass about it.....
why tat stupid car...
eww....it ugly.....
u don't need tat type of car....
why do u need it for?
BLAH type is so much better....
its sooo small....
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!
.......
*sigh*
.......
Mrre things to be depress/piss about
n yes i know i had said early tat i didn't wanna go into detail n shit....to way into this shit to care....
depress/piss cuz
my uncle is pissy at meeh bout rides when i barely ask nemore! FUCK I BUGGIN MY FRIENDS NOW!!!!
money shit is pissing meeh off.....my little sis always dissappear afterschool to go out with friends....she always ask money too...hell she goes mall all the time!!! n buy random shit!.....recently went to valley fair....was to buy dress but couldn't find....when went to random store for general clothes.....lilo sis piss meeh off with the "are you actually going to buy tat n why" shit.....ugh piss meeh off....worst..she goes sanrio....want to buy things she no need or use but cuz she think iot cute she want....made meeh call my mom on the cell n begg for her to let us buy...i only did it cuz i wanted something too...my mom let us...but a pissy uncle n a snotty sis with the "are you actually going to buy tat n why" attitude.....i got only one of the things i wanted...a lamp...only cuz i actaully can convince my mom to let meeh but shit..tho i had promise not to open them till my mom got home to see it....my lilo sis open it the moment she got home n feine innocent at the fact that she never heard i say tat....mom freak out on meeh cuz she thought it cost $&) when really it was 30.....n as usaul i get blame n scream at.....
back to the main reason for pissy/depress....
my uncle act as if i bug him for rides too much...fuck i ask for one ride...just meeh n my tag along lilosis....to the mall....sumthing my older sis always do.....n i got a crouchy pissy annoyed uncle on my ass the whole car ride....both way....i be nice n tell ahead of time bout this idea....he owes meeh big time for all the shit i do around the house n for his kid......doin the dishes.....babysitting my cuz...giving my cuz a bath...changes his diaper...n deal with a baby cuz who thought PEEING on the carpet was fun....everyone had blamed that i can't take care of him well...FINE! I STOP GOING TO THEIR DAMN HOUSE NOMORE......not completely true....i still go....just not as often....
Sidetracking here again....
after the whole mall trip...a few days later i call to see if my uncle to drop meh of at oakgridge mall....meeh n kat.....told ahead of time n my uncle sound alrite on the phone bout it.....but my little sis got pissy n so did my mom.....got pissy enough tat my uncle didn't drive meeh n kat to the mall but i had to find an fucken alternative....guess wat....MY FRIENDS!!!!!......apparently my uncle had told my sis tat i been askin for too much rides lately!!!!...WAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKIN ABOUT!!!!!!!...ugh my mom agree with them too!!! I SOOO NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!
*sigh*
i don't remember n very lazy to reread wat i had wrote but did i mention tat i am depress n pissy becuz of moeny issue?
apparently i am spending too much money
i don't do grad nite like my sis
i don't go out as much as my older sis do...hell...my lilo sis goes out more than i do......
when i do go...it bout 20-30....per moth total...
i don't ask for money for b-day nomore...i have a private stash for those....
my grad stuff...my yet to be prom stuff sound expensive......are going to be alot of moeny but not unreasonable since i don't alway feel the need to buy the pretty expensives things....
soooo......
........
.....
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!
!!!!
!!
!
*sigh*
wateva....getting all this drama for shitty or no good damn reason...might as well waste money inorder to be rightful in blame....
meeh now want a expensive camera n phone..tho kno whit bout tat...would say laptop too.....but my dad is a DELL Freak...so tat jus cause more drama when to fight for a different laptop...
only thing i kno tat is comin up tat could be expensive are prom dress....prom pic.....after prom nite.....FANIMECON!!! ^-^.....n my annual monthly get-together.....n maybe b-day too! ^-^
hmmm.....feelin better now......i kno i not suppose to be happy......they a reason why iwas soo depress earlier......i kno i am random rite now...thinking n typing my thoughts is very random......^-^.....
oh yea....gonna go into fastford mode to i hit anger/sadness part
today had booksale...had fun......then saw my dad in library....he no see meeh....got pissy phonecall on where the hell i am.....hmm....not my fault tat my dad didn't see the booksale sign pointing to the homeworkcenter......cuz the call was bout why my dad could find meeh...espeically when i had went in the library n saw my dad...he wasn't lookin for meeh...he was READING viet book.....stupid....ugh...worst.....told a head of time tat i was going to booksale....soo......WHEN THE HELL DID THE WHOLE WE GOING TO A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY BIRTHDAY PARTY CAME INTO EXISTENCE!?!?!?!?...get more drama n i already can see all the mental image on wat the hell goin to happen agian in this party....not to mention...thinking on all the time my older n lilo sis manage to not go....WHY OH WHY MEEH!!!...do my aura scream BAD LUCK!!!......fuck...i wanted to not go...but they won't let meeh not go.....they call....they bug...n then they get hellla pissy at meeh for being late....hmm....i told them i was volunteering ahead of time....they just told meeh just a few hour ahead....SO WAT THE FUCK IS THEIR PROBLEM!!!!! it not like it unusal for us to be late.....we always in some way late for their party...but its okay because they never not welcome us into their home.....sadly...i am actully depress cuz i pretty much scream on the phone about my anger......infront ov everyone @ the library volunteerin.....meeh embrass....n anger......but kida drepress...not because i scream at my own screamin sis....but because i let my anger get the best of meeh in front of strangers....ugh....tat just made meeh sad...i am usuaally good at hiding my feeling or holding it in and dealing with it slowy n on my own....
but now....at this very moment...as we speak.....i'm doing something tat i never thought i would actually do....
i'm depending on this xanga.....i depending on voicing out my pain...my anger...my sadness..to strangers....to a bunch of nobody...n not the peep tat are causin my problems......i use to still sort of bluntly voice my prob to them upfront...but not as much.....i'm just taking in most of it n avoiding more drama just to speed up the end of the arguement....i'm giving up too easy n i'm way too dependent on this xanga....wat worst....i pour everything at the very moment of all the shit in my life on this xanga...but when talking about it...it feel so redundent...soo as if it not a big deal no more...but worst it feel like i am exagterateing this whole ordeal......*sigh*..i sooo fucken confuse rite now....i don't know wat i want no more...
i say one thing n do another.....fuck i don't keep my own promise to myself no more....damn it....i'm officailly a hyprocite in some twisted way.......*sigh*...
keep goin off topic......like i mention...totally random here.....ugh....i really have no life....
back to the party.....i pretty much avoided everyone...n when an adult ask bout my college choices or wonder y i change my mind....i unbeivably told the truth....not sure if tat was smart on my part.....i did do it bluntly n to the point to speed up the process of the lecture n talk....^-^ got none till the very end.......stupid bout the truth is tat i don't know wat everyone truly think...if i had lie n said...oh goin to SJSU cause it such a great school...i would get a long lecture on how smart i am n why going tere is a smart choice....but instead... i blunt siad SJSU...n tat it cuz my dad won't let meeh ^-^ happy to ruin a family rep....depress...cuz near the end...my uncle open his moth...n "the wofe" talk to meeh about how lucky i am to be going to SJSU in a well made tech building n how they never had the oppunity i have n how all the peep tat went they are now rich paying worder......they forget to mention how tis one guy who went to UCLA isnow director of some big ass project...cuz he an electrical engineer...-.-...heard some parents gossip.....
neway.....my mom nows want to know the lisst of orientation for SJSU so she can go...my dad also want to know when cuz he want to ask bout the coures i need to take n how i can speed up everything inored to get my BS degree faster n move on to work......is my dad so nice to worry on how i can hurry up n get a job.....which by the way...I WANT A JOB!!!!.....just to shut my parent month shut.....he also complaiing bout the summer classes at JC.....do u kno if u had taken a class n FAILED it....but only too as a learning experience...eh truthly...i learn shit....but either way...do neone kno if it will still be on my record if go there again n send my grade to SJSU...will SJSU kick meeh out?.....i not offically panicing bout it....but i'm growing very paranoid bout it cuz my dad won't shut up bout the F in evergreen.....which oddly enough...i FAILED Chem honor in school...n SJSU still eepted meeh tho i am retaken the class but this time regular shem n having a decent grade......so yea..paranoid here.....
NEWAY....my parent want to go...n here i was hoping to go without parents....u kno...i had given up on hope during sophmore year...began to hope again near the end of junior year.......sadly i starting to feeel like tat a stupid thing to do...cuz hoping does shit for meeh except make my life more misarable than usual.....
tat all for now......can't really think of nemore drama n shit in life rite now......n im sleepy...so nite n bye... |